Inspiration for a joyful and creative life

This is continuing the conversation in the series “Ten Reasons NOT to Have What You Want”.

Sometimes you may not say the words out loud but your actions,  or maybe more appropriately,  your lack of action is because you are thinking, “I’m not good enough.”

Or maybe it is a variation like, “I’m not ready yet.”  Or “I’ll wait until I have more experience.” Or “Mine isn’t as good as hers (or his).”

If you are a perfectionist, these are reoccurring reflexive thoughts that often stop you in your tracks.

It could be that you somehow got this message when you were young and you’ve carried it with you for years.

This reason is also very closely related to I Don’t Deserve It.

It doesn’t matter why you have that message running through your head as much as it does what are you going to do about it?

Here are a few ways to challenge that thought.

Question if it is true.

Is it REALLY true?  Have other people given you compliments that you shrug off and tell them all the things that are wrong with your creation?

Have you ever seen a movie or read a book that critics raved about and you didn’t like it at all?  What is good enough or even great is a matter of opinion.

Have you ever heard someone sing from the church choir or community theatre that blew your socks off?  Someone else might be selling millions of records who isn’t necessarily more talented.

Change Your Automatic Thinking

Another way of thinking of changing this thought pattern is that it is simply a habit that you have unintentionally developed so your ego is protected.  If you don’t put yourself out there or share your work or your gifts, you can’t fail.

This has been a revelation to me.  If you are aware of a habit, you can change it.

Build Your Confidence Muscles

You may need to take some small steps to build your confidence muscles.  I remember reading a story about a writer who challenged herself to get 20 or 30 rejection letters.  She knew the more rejection letters she received, the more likely someone was going to accept her story.  She gave herself a reward for every 5 rejections she received.  Maybe you can set your own challenge.

Don’t Try So Hard

One of my favorite stories is from Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s book What We Ache For is an experiment in a pottery class.  One half of the class was told they just needed to make one really great pot, and the other class the only objective was to make several, and not worry about the outcome.  You can read more about it in this post on Creative Failures. 

Play More

This is similar to not trying so hard and not taking yourself so seriously.  You may be missing out on allowing yourself to enjoy the process if your expectations are always so high.

Remember when you were a kid and you would sing at the top of your lungs even though you were off key or proudly show your Mom and Dad your latest crayon masterpiece?

That little kid is still there, waiting for you to let them out to play.

This is continuing the conversation in the series “Ten Reasons NOT to have what you want”.

Today we’ll talk about the reason “I don’t deserve it”.  As with all of these reasons we give ourselves, this one can have many layers behind it.

If you sometimes feel like you don’t deserve to be happy or to achieve your dreams and goals, it may be because you lack self confidence.

This may be linked to experiences from your past that left you feeling fearful to put yourself out there again but most of the time the fear is worse than actually doing it.

There are many things you can do to help boost your self confidence.

1. List some of your successes in the past.  What gave you the courage or confidence to succeed?  How can you use what you have learned from that and apply it to your current situation?
2. Do you just need some practice?  Maybe you can ask friends or family to help you practice your skills.
3. Use your imagination to its fullest.  Like an athlete who can visualize crossing the finish line, use your power of imagination to internally practice success.  See the article on How Do I believe I Can Have What I Want? for more on this.
4. Some people successfully use affirmations and others think they are a bunch of hooey.  But those internal messages and thoughts really do make a difference.  Your thoughts affect your feelings.  Your feelings affect your actions.  If you have conditioned yourself to believe that you don’t deserve something or that you are not good enough, why not practice retraining your thoughts to create a different outcome?
5. Another twist on using affirmations is to be aware when you have a negative thought or feeling and just take a second or two to notice it objectively, and use that to think about what you would rather think or feel.

We will talk more about confidence when we get to reason #9 – I’m not good enough.

Could it be that it is just easier to use an excuse like I don’t deserve it?  Then you have a built in reason for not trying, and if you don’t try, you won’t fail either.

Another reason behind feeling like you don’t deserve it may be linked to the fact you feel guilty for having something when others don’t.  You may see the suffering in the world and wonder why you should be happy or abundant when so many are without.

One way to reframe that is to ask, “Does it help anyone else if you deprive yourself of happiness?”  I personally think if you have more, you can give more.  That can be in the form of energy, money, or service.  There is also a direct effect on the people around you.  Enthusiasm and kindness are contagious.  And taking care of yourself allows you to take better care of others.

What are the reasons you use that keep you stuck?

This is a question from my Dear Sally column from one of my ezine readers.

Dear Sally,

One of my biggest challenges is to believe I can have what I want. How do I overcome that!?

Believe it or Not

Dear Believe,

It can be hard to let go of our limiting beliefs and nagging voices in our head that tell us we can’t have or don’t deserve what we want.

Here is one thing that you can do to rewire your thinking. Choose a goal or idea and imagine in vivid detail what you want and how it would feel. I would suggest writing it down so that you really get all the details, the sights, smells, and especially your emotions.

Then preferably every day, close your eyes for a few minutes to imagine it with as many details as possible. This is creative visualization.

If you have trouble imagining your goal in detail, think about how it might feel. You can also write down a few words on an index card and/or choose a picture or image to help remind you of your vision.

Doing this once won’t really do the trick…..ah, if it were only that easy.

Through repetition, your imagination is able to take information as if it has really happened. That translates into your believing and feeling as if it’s possible.

So practice believing. Then begin to take small actions, and become open to possibility.

Wishing you powerful, positive beliefs,

Sally