There are times when I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I can’t seem to put myself anywhere but last.
Part of this of course comes from being a single parent for so long, when you’re the only one who’s taking care of the kids and you’re truly solo it’s all on you and you need to put the kids first. And then when you add some abandonment trauma on top of that and then you may find your own needs difficult to prioritize.
It’s easy to blame the kids. And when they are babies it makes sense. And then when there are trips to and from practice or events it makes sense. But eventually the youngest turns 18. And you’re forced to come to terms with the reality that at this point it might just be an excuse.
Today is Tuesday and my youngest turns 18 on Thursday. Have I really had the kids as my “reason” for not prioritizing my own creative needs or have at least the past few years have my kids been my “excuse” for not prioritizing my own creative needs?
I don’t think I like the answer. But If I’m honest with myself I know what the reality of the situation is. I find it with my work as well. I prioritize the needs and wants of others over my own projects. Then I rush though in the end and don’t have the level of quality I should have. The level of quality that I know I can produce.
So what do we do to overcome this? Therapy? Journaling? Dare I say Art Journaling? Meditation? Yoga? Long walks on the beach?
The answer for me seems to be a tough of solitude. Ironically when covid hit I thought I’d have much more opportunity for solitude without realizing that I would be living in a very small space with my two boys. And no escape from them.
But this week we have this milestone. 18. He still has a year of high school left and will likely be with me a bit longer than that given the realities of the world today. Still, the time to stop using the children as an excuse not to prioritize my own creative practice and get the solitude necessary to practice and produce.
No more excuses.
Although I’ve said that before.